Jesus wept. I think I would have had more luck getting my final rabies jab last Tuesday if Ted Bovis and Spike had dressed as nurses and had a go on a day off from Maplins.
But I was unfortunate enough to have had the three stooges in drag given the responsibility. The first nurse who kicked it all off seemed capable enough but how wrong I was. I am
lucky to be still here writing this as it turns out she was just grabbing any old shit that had 'rabies' written on it out of the fridge and sticking it in my veins. I wouldn't be surprised if the half brained bed pan jockey has actually injected me full of flora, jif lemon or other fridge contents.
You see she should have ordered the drugs in, and had it all nice and packaged in the fridge under my name. But she was obviously blessed with the brain of a Blaenymaes based breeze block. She was just taking other people's disease fighting spooge from the fridge. God knows what they ended up having. Judging by her size I would have thought she would know her way round the old cool box.
So a couple of weeks ago I was greeted by a new nurse who made the first one seem like Carol Vorderman. I wasn't going to be nasty but the blundering bints have driven me to it. She looked quite normal at first until a more studying glance provided me with a sight of her hairy, face based mole. I have never understood why the hairy versions are so common. Maybe they think people might not notice the massive unsightly growth on my features, if I allow it to be naturally covered in a clump of hair. I should have pointed out to her the 'gross' error but it doesn't seem the done thing does it!
Now she; lets call her Nurse Monty, had no idea what she was supposed to be sticking in my veins. I had to instruct her. I contemplated taking the needles of her and doing it myself. She was supposed to give me my rabid finale but obviously when she couldn't find it amongst the dairy produce in the fridge just went with a bit of typhoid and some more hepatitis for luck. I had to show her how to update her PC to show what I had had, as I think I might have ended up being put down for an ass transplant, judging by the buttons she was pressing.
So, feeling like Scrooge, I was finally visited by a third ghoul who would finish the simple task and leave me invincible to all known germs.
Saying that, I wouldn't be surprised if nurse nash stuck a bit of domestos in me, when she couldn't find anything better.
The nurse of Christmas yet to come was, I suppose doing her part of the job by the book. It's just a pity the book had been started by the chuckle brother's ugly sisters.
She searched high and low for my rabies. She confused the bum off me by asking if I knew what I had done with it. My face strained as I tried to fight the sarcastic volleys from my mouth, "Oh yes, that's right matron, I must have left it on the bus after I picked it up in Bejams. Silly me"
As you well know now, my rabies juice was never going to be there. But at the time I was more in the dark than a nocturnal ninja in a bin bag.
"You should have picked it up from the pharmacy on your first visit," said Nurse 3.
What the f**k are you on about you useless goat, thought Simon.
"Where's your slip" said Nurse 3
What fecking slip you bog faced trout, thought Simon.
"Slip? What slip?"
"The slip the first nurse would have given you, to order your rabies inoculations Simon."
My confused look meant no words were needed.
"Well you should have been given a slip to give to the pharmacy, who would have given you your three rabies inoculations, which we would have kept in the fridge just for you."
First I've heard of it you patronising old bint.
"Well, I won't be able to give it to you today now"
Bloody hell. I must have been heading for the world record of visits to this place.
So she sent me off to the pharmacy to get my life saving drugs with one of these magic slips that I should have had weeks ago from the original matron of the apocalypse.
Hello pharmaceutical vendor lady. Please give me the rabies stuff so I can get out of here.
"Slip, rabies, nurse sent me," I grunted
"Do you pay for your prescriptions?"
"Er, yes, but I have already paid for this. Sixty nine pounds." And they still can't get it right the hopeless gobshites.
"But you have to pay us too. Another three pounds."
Hang on a minute, I thought. This is getting a bit shit. I know it's only three bucks but isn't sixty nine enough?
At this point I argued over three pounds with three white coated chemist types.
They say bad things come in threes. But they never said they would come 3 squared.
People in the pharmacy looked on as I made myself look a right nonce. Back to the nurse I was sent, who by now had a new victim. But I won't let that deter me these days and she was dragged out of her appointment. Her current patient would have to wait for their life saving thumb transplant.
So Nursey and chemist features disappeared behind the scenes for what seemed like an age, and I thought this must be good. She is going to tell them to give me the stuff, stick it in my arm and everyone can live happily ever after with a reduced fear of expiring from a horrible rabid death.
But no! Out came nursey with the devasating news.
"Keep it quiet," she whispered, "but it looks like you have been having other people's inoculations from the fridge"
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! My brain filled with rage. That ain't my bastard fault is it? Don't turn it round on me. I just turn up, sit in the chair, and get one of you turkeys to stick the things in my arms and then I go home after the designated twenty minute wait in the waiting room of doom.
"Oh right," I said. Pathetic.
So I was resigned to paying the three squid and making another appointment. But a final twist of fate lay, or more like didn't lay in my pocket. I didn't have a penny on me. I had probably spent it on pasties and coffee.
Not to worry, I had my trusted egg card.
"Can't accept that."
"Transaction has to be five pounds or over"
I contemplated buying some random drugs to bump up the price, but my brain had had enough and I found myself walking out empty handed, and empty of the crucial rabies destroyer.
I was seething. I promised I would come back and bite them all, when I contracted the water fearing, dog associated disease.
I bet Willy Fog never had to put up with all this shit.
