Ooooo I could crush a grape!

Day 62

Next time you purchase and consume an Australian bottle of plonk for three quid from Kwiksave, think of the welsh immigrant that might have helped create it. I have bled, cried (got some chemical from the vines in my eye), and sweat like a dingo to get those grapes good enough, to get you wasted.

It is the middle of our second week of working (forgotten what it was like), and things have taken a more organic turn.
We are toiling on a local Mildura vineyard, and have left the nuts and bolts behind for now.
There are rows of grape vines, growing like crazy and we have to, well do a bit of pruning I suppose. Got little clippers to do the business (yes a few grapes have accidently fallen off, but you just launch them over to the next row so someone else gets the sack).
Also have to twist the lose vines round the supporting wires (remember the good old wires? I do as the whip marks still scar my torso).

It is quite easy, but as always I have a knack of making things more difficult, so I always seem to finish last. No rush though. Too hot for that. Not as hot as last week though, and we have a bit of shelter with the vines.
Start at six in the morning, but do get to finish at half 3.

Anyway, it was Kelly’s 30th, yes 30th birthday last Monday. She was 30. We started Kelly’s 30th birthday early on Sunday I suppose with a wine tasting day out at a wine making place. Not sure if you are supposed to spit them out, but I thought that would be extremely bad manners, and downed them all. All tasted good, after you have had about three, but the wine jockey didn’t seem overly impressed when I compared the smell of one to my Grandads gravy. He refused to add it to his list of descriptions the spoil sport.
Fair do’s though he kept the place open so we could get to the bottom of the list (they were bloody free like). Topped it off with a cheese platter. Posh bastards now like.

Due to the special event that was Kelly’s 30th birthday, we wangled a day off work Monday. Treated her to lunch as she was 30 (thought we were going to mcdonalds when we fell for that one). Very nice though.
Then organised a treasure hunt round the house and garden, for some pressies. I was in charge of writing the clues, so you can imagine the sort of guff she had to contend with. It did, for example, involve rhyming king kong with ding dong.
Dylan Thomas, you is in trouble butt.
The highlight of her gifts was a flying chimp. He has a mask and cape, and screams when you launch him. What else could she ever want!

The day was rounded off with a bit of ten pin bowling. Joined by a couple of lads from work last week, we had a laugh.
I won both games somehow ( I have kept the scoresheet for a souvenir, and can be produced as evidence at anytime). However the highlight was provided by the flying chimp, who joined us for the game. He was being pelted round like a nutter. Used as a distraction to bowlers in play, it took a nasty turn for the worse. By some freak of luck, the aviating ape, was launched straight into the hole the balls come out of. Swallowed up by the mechanism, you could hear him screaming, and there was a distinct smell of smoldering simian. One of the boys almost stuck his hand in to rescue monkey face, before the cleaner/machine fixer, came running over, screaming himself with a mop and bucket.
He wasn’t happy. He tore apart the machine, and didn’t even crack a grin, when he was face with a slightly chewed up, caped ape. He stormed off, swearing at us, with his mop and bucket, luckily unused.
Must happen every day, the miserable sod.

So a fine end to a 30th birthday do. I think Kelly enjoyed more than the monkey did.

Were supposed to be doing a bit of kareoke in the local tonight, but everyone is a bit cream crackered after work, and as we are up before six tomorrow morning. Obviously I can’t get up in front of a load of Aussies, and sing a Micheal Buble number, without several beers, so wouldn’t be in a fit state. Maybe next week.
So watching Mash now, writing this. I think Neighbours is on next. Their Deal or No Deal is shite. No Noel, no banker, and no boxes. Bloody suitcases like. They dance round too much as well.
Still, better watch it incase they wins the big one.

Back in Mildura

Day 58

Saturday night and living it up again, back in civilisation.
Watching Empire Strikes Back.
Continuing the star wars watching theme we had in Sri Lanka, as all the films keep popping up on tv.

Lucy and Rob have gone out to an engagement do, so we have the house to ourselves.
Just cooked a lovely t-bone steak. Tasted bloody lovely. Must be the way they grow their bovine, being in the country and all that, rather than my chef skills.

Not being boring or anything as went on a major bender last night, after getting back from Menindee.
Kelly's birthday monday, so the start of the celebrations.
We went to O'malleys. Another fecking Irish bar, but a good one, with a live band, and a nightclub.
Needed a few drinks after a hard weeks work. Tried just about every drink they had, including a JD and coke in a bottle and flaming sambucas. Stellas too in pints, as the locals seem to just drink halves.

For some reason my hair was popular. Several persons commented on my wiggy bonce; mainly blokes sadly. Must be rare to be a hippy head in these parts.
Got a bit hazy, but I met one sheila who wanted my address back home for somewhere to stay when she goes travelling in Europe next month.
Don't worry mam, I made up the welshest address I could. Think it had pandy and rhyd in it and possibly a load of Llans. She fell for it.
There was a right les miserable french bird too who just wanted to go home as she had been picking fruit all week.
Try the nuts and bolts love.

Met up with the working gang from Menindee which was nice. They are all staying in a hostel in town and always out on a friday. Always a good way to know people better is the boozer at the end of the week.

Somehow, I didn't have a hangover this morning, even though we got in after four.
Sunburn on my legs playing up, so walking like a muppet.
Been into town and bought some new work clobber. T-shirt, shorts and socks. Nearly bought a massive Margaret Thrush sombrero for a laugh, but came to my senses.
Christmas deccies are up and the songs are playing, which is sodding weird in this heat and sun.

Now addicted to ice coffee too. Had two pints today already. And managed to buy a ticket to see Iron Maiden in Sydney next february. Not everyones pot of tea, but I will enjoy moshing it up on my tod.
Better keep my hair for that, so no trim again, even though it is ravaged by the sun.

General election day here in Oz. Not very exciting, but I think they've kicked their prime minister out judging by the swingometer. They keep interupting the film with updates. Historic day see!

Right back to Yoda and friends. 'Mmmmmm, help you I will!'
Not sure what work we are doing next week. Maybe putting up fences.
Could be out on the boat skiing again tomorrow, so that should cool my sunburn down.

Menindee (a week of Aussie working)

November 23rd

Day 57

Driving back from the real proper actual fare dinkum outback.
Well near enough for now anyway.
Nearly mowed down some emus. Rod Hull wouldn't have been happy if he'd kept his balance and wasn't dead.
Just saw a masiive lizard, which I think Lucy called a guana. Looked like them ones they used to dress up in old dinosaur films with cardboard spikes and horns. We stopped the ute and Kelly ran after it. She does that. No match for reptile features though.

Enough of the wildlife show. I am a wreck. You'd swear I had been run over!. For all you reading this sitting in your offices, pissed off at all the fun and freedom I am enjoying, take some heart that I have been through work based punishment of the highest degree this week.
I really have never ever toiled so hard and in such conditions in my whole life.
I have sunburn on the back of my legs so I can't sit down.
I have a hornets sting on my ass (it was in my bastard bed), again hindering the sitting down.
My back is in half so I can't bend down.
I have; um lets be regional, aboriginal mens pinches on several fingers, so picking my nose is tricky.
My beautiful hair is ruined, cooked to straw by the sun.
And I have a massive beard that Rolf bloody Harris would be chuffed sporting.
Somehow though, I enjoyed myself big style.

Just stopped at a pub in the middle of nowhere on our trip back to Mildura. You'd think the locals would be a bit taken aback or maybe even hostile at strangers, like you see in films (usually American), but again the couldn't have been friendlier.
Don't know what they made of my 'Allright butts,' but they really do say 'G'day mate.'
Left there with a pie (like you used to get half time at the Vetch) and a six pack of stubbies (as they call them here), which are coke size cans of grog. Carlton draught to be exact.
Everyone drinks a few every night without fail. So not binge drinking, but boozing spread out through the week.
I am getting into it. As when in Rome again.
So, driving the rest of the way home and already on my third stubbie.
They even had jack daniels and coke in a can.
No wonder Brits stay here.

Anyway, let us begin at the beginning as some literal nonce once said.
Got to Menindee Monday after a three hour drive, mainly along dirty bumpy red sandy tracks.
We were later than planned, so only had a half days work.
The whole point of us being there, the major shit going down like, was the setting up of massive patches for the farmer man to grow table grapes on.
The fields end up with rows of posts with V's on with wire supported between them all. A bit like a load of mini electirc pylons.
Our first job, as soon as we got there was to screw nuts and bolts onto these posts, to get them going.
This was in the searing sun of doom, and I think my lips were starting to run.
Then there were the flies.
Oh, the intolerable flies.
When you see people on tv covered in flies, not bothering to swipe them away, I now know why.
They just keep coming, so you have to just let them. The odd swot when they go in your ears, up your nose, or in your mouth. But generally you accept you are covered in the little high pitched buzzing sods.

Lucy and Kelly pretended they needed a wee, after a couple of hours, and were whisked of back to base by Rob, and I never saw them the rest of the working day.
So I strolled like a wandering scarecrow of solitude, screwing nuts and bolts, slower and slower, as my power ran out and brain matter melted.
Got back eventually, and I looked like Worzel Gummidge, after a night on wind street. Just seen a picture of that very moment and I did look like a worn out bag of shit.
That was the easy day too.

Saw the 'digs' for the first time then.
Looks like a prisoner of war camp.
I was allocated cell/room 14. Had air conditoning though.
And insects, including the bum stinging hornet bastard face.
Not a bad room all in all though.

Then the kitchen.
Now, I have had some shitty kitchens in my time. Especially the one in Birmingham, with its resident mice, and the Brynmill slug based affair.
But this topped the lot.
Insects to keep David Bellamy occupied for a year, and just plain scummy filth.
Should have taken a picture, but just imagine Magor services bogs, when the cleaners have been on strike for a month, and there has been an M4 eastbound carriageway based, dysentry epidemic.
Super!

The alarm for my second day didn't bloody go off, but luckily I awoke for my 6:30 start.
Sun cream plastered on, hat and shades, and raring to go.
Did start off with the nuts and bolts, but was taken away from the girls for proper man work.
I got to drive the 'ute' and was now taking turns with Luke (from Walsall) and Jamie (Irish) using one of those guns they use in grand prixs to undo and do the wheels in the pits.
We had to tighten all the nuts, on all the posts, in the whole field.
I think I might have got a job with the Pounstretcher Lada team at the back of the grid, as not as quick as the other guys, but I blame the conditions.
Rivetting though!
I was starting to flag by about 4 o'clock as it was a tad hot. Made it though, and was told the temperature was 44 degrees when I got back to cell block h on my knees.
I should be dead. Or at least boiled like a cabbage.

Day 3 in Wentworth prison, and my alarm did go off this time.
But it went off an hour early, the piece of crap, so I was up at 5 a bloody clock.
Just when I thought I was in for another roasting, I got outside and it was absolutely freezing. Well, I brought no warm clothes. Could have done with a wooly jumper (sure there is a kangaroo based joke in there), cause it stayed cold all day.
Who'd have thought it ay?
Carried on doing up the nuts with the gun attached to a ute alll day. Got a bit of vibration white finger, but the day went pretty quick and I suppose my teeth chattering is better than sunburn, and it was too cold for them bastard flies.

The social area of the camp is a massive table plastered in ants. Thousands of the buggers.
You just get used to them, and they didn't carry my plate or cans off, so I left them be.
Round bugs would fall down of an evening from the roof, and they came in handy for playing table rugby, as they slide well.

Woke up before my alarm thursday, so who knows if it worked.
Cold again, and same job again to start with.
And there it was my first kangaroo sighting. Down at the bottom of the field, hopping along like a nutter. They look silly.
Nearly bolted my hand to the post.
Off he bounced into the grape vines, like a springy freak.
Who came up with them as an idea for an animal?

Changed jobs in the savo then. Its called straining, and I was.
Them wires I told you about if you were paying attention earlier have to be tightened and tied.
I started off pretty slowly, as is usual for me. You have to use this tool, which I think is called a dog (looked more like a fish with legs to me), and a chain to crank it along.
Wes (Leeds) helped me a lot cause I kept getting a bit stuck, but I soon got the ang of it, sort of.
Gotta watch them wires though. I am covered in lacerations, where the flew round and whipped me when I wasn't looking. One nearly destroyed my safety shades, so I could be sitting here with only one eye and no nose now.
Time flew, but that's how my back was in bits. Tightening the 'dog' put a bit of a strain on it.

Got Kelly to bang on my cell door friday morning due to the unpredictable alarm of cack.
Bloody worked this time though!
Was supposed to be a half day, but there was loads of straining left, so spent about 10 hours, with a 10 minute break for lunch (pie and iced coffee, lovely stuff) doing it.
My hat blowing off all the time didn't help. Might have to get some granny style hat pins in future.
The sun was back with a vengeance too, so the backs of my legs got a bit fried. Everywhere else was fine, but I must have missed a bit with my factor 30 slap.

So, I have learnt some new skills (if you ever need a straining ute driving nut tightener, I'm your man), met some new people, made a bit of cash, covered my clothes in red mud, and decimated my body.

Could do with a holiday now.
Another few weeks of similar work, around the area and I'm sure I will be wondering what all the fuss was about.
Either that, or I will be a disaterous wreckage.

Mildura

Day 52

Colds gone. Burnt out of my system by the sweltering weather.
Slowly getting used to the heat, but tomorrow is the big test when we hit the outback and the work on the grapes for a week. Factor 30 ready, bought a hat and some shades so I will be looking the part. Couldn't get the hat with corks on.
Hope I can cope with the heat or I will look a right gimp.

Rob and Lucy our tremendous hosts have put us up and put up with us for a few days now and it has been brilliant.
Especially Lucy's egg, bacon and cheese sandwiches. Not too sure about the vegemite yet though.
Lucy is my friend Thomas Cheesebox's sister who I have known since I was small, not that I was ever small really, but you know what I mean when I say that I think.
Anyway thought I better put this in in case people are reading this that don't know Lucy and wondering who I am talking about and staying with, without really explaining myself. She moved out here from Swansea last July to live with Rob who is Australian and therefore already lived here. They met while doing the fruit based backpacking work a couple of years ago.

Cool house in a quiet rural bit. Did get woken up by a moo this morning.
Think it came from outside the house.

We spent one night in a local hostel before Lucy dragged us back to their house as it was a bit shitty. Still we were used to that life before being spoilt in Sri Lanka.

Been for our usual wander round the centre of Mildura. As per previous walks, we seemed to pass the same things several times. Its quite a small rural town, so proper Australia like. A pleasant change from our usual big city visits.
Already tried the local bar too and noticed they do Kareoke on a Wednesday so will have to get involved there if I want to be the next Australian pop idol.

Had a go of driving too yesterday in the 4x4. Storming down the dirt tracks I was until we started to run out of road and head for ravines, so I had a go through town too. Still no kangaroos to avoid. All fine, but I wouldn't like to parallel park that monster.

Had our first Aussie barbie last night too, round Rob's brothers Deanos and family. Excellent tucker. No shrimps though. Another few beers as always.
All very laid back and nice people here which suits me perfect.
Lots of dogs too which are also laid back, and I always seem to get on with. Must be cause I am hairy and make funny noises too.

Just got back from an attempt at water skiing of a fashion.
Yes you read right.
As my brother always says, I should be a natural as I am blessed with feet that are already the size of skis.
However it ain't as easy as it seems and after watching the experts, Vinnie and Rob (who's boat we were using on the river), and then Kelly doing her knee boarding, I thought I would attempt the same.
Must have had about 14 goes trying to pull my self up onto the board, but apparently it does take awhile. They must have been so fed up of turning the boat round for me. Really good laugh though and can't wait to try again, despite my lower back being in half, swallowing half the river, and now having knees like I've upset some Irish terrorists.

Probably won't hear from me for a week I am afraid. Least it will give you a good break if you are totally bored of reading this cack.
Off to the outback tomorrow morning see to sort out some grape vine growing things. Staying in the middle of nowhere (or as Vinnie our Kiwi friend put it, 'a shit ole') for five days. No phone reception apparently so no updates. Feel free to add some comments of what you think I might be doing and the nearest wins a membership to Rolf's Cartoon Club.
This time next week I would have seen several kangaroos and probably eaten a couple too.

Melbourne to Mildura

Well the flaming bus turned out to be a train and then a bus. Left Melbourne at 7:49, and we are due to get to Mildura and Lucy by 15:15.
See, proper travelling now. We literally havn't stopped. I do believe I am starting to hallucinate though as just saw a giant rollerskate.

On the flaming bus now for the last two hours of our epic journey. Nicely air conditioned, which is good as it is absolutely boiling outside. Got a nice sore throat and a cough too, and been blowing my didgaredoo, so I have finally sucumbed to a bit of illness. Will go and see Dr.Carl Kennedy if I get worse.
The suburbs of Melbourne did look like Ramsey street so will have to check out the real place and get my pic taken with Bish and Lou Carpenter.

Not sure how the drivers don't drop off here, as the roads are so straight. The landscape doesn't change much either. Just parched land for miles. Aint seen a kangaroo yet, or even an emu for that matter. Seen a few women that wouldn't look out of place in Prisoner Cell Block H though.

Melbourne

Day 48

Its quarter past four in the morning and we are waiting for a greyhound bus to Mildura where our Aussie working life begins with Lucy. No idea what we are doing, but I think it involves grapes.

I have therefore completed my exchange with Alf Stewart and arrived down under.
I hope he is a creditable King Rat at the Grand panto.

Left Sri Lanka at 7:25 yesterday morning. But with all the time changes, I really don't know where the flaming heck I am Ailsa.
Wide awake though, which can't be right. Somethings gonna give big style like.

The flights were cool again.
The first one to Singapore did hit quite a bit of turbulence, but I seem to get used to it.
It helped that the plane was empty, so me and Kelly had a whole row each to make beds out of. I just strapped myself in when the seatbelt light came on and bounced up and down like I was on that greek boat again. I dropped off eventually.
Least we have had a bit of sleep.

Obviously didn't see much of Singapore, as we changed straight onto our next flight, but its somewhere else to add to our travels.
This plane was full so no lounging. A bit of turbulence again, but getting used to this flying lark.

Just freshened up in the coach/train station bogs like some hobo.
Every Aussie we have met so far has been very friendly, and genuine with their advice. Even the taxi driver came in with us to the coach station to make sure we were in the right place. Bonza.
So good first impressions, especially compared with the theiving and miserable turds we have met on the road so far.
Right where's that flaming bus?

Colombo to Melbourne via Singapore

Day 47

Its the witching hour in doontoon Colombo and I am watching the end of Return of the Jedi in the hotel room and trying another lion beer.

Got to be at the airport in about four hours for our flight to Melbourne via Singapore. Not much point in getting any kip I suppose. My shoulders are glowing with the promised sunburn from the pool and I seem to have a bit of a cold.
Yes, I am in a place hotter than a supermodel in a microwave, and I have the sodding sniffles. Shucks!

Our Sri Lankan experience has been a good one. Once we got the hang of the streets, telling the tuk-tuk drivers we didn't want to see no temples, not getting lost, and the heat, we are almost locals.
Swaggering about like we own the place. I'm sure another couple of days and we would be right at home.
Not sure if Kelly has enjoyed be called 'sir' now and again, but that has kept me entertained.
Thought it would have been the other way round with my barnet.

Due to it all kicking off in the north with the Tamil Tigers, there are armed police or soldiers every few metres along the streets. All pretty safe though. There are even snipers up on the roofs of the tall buildings, with one keeping an eye on me while I was in the hotel pool.
They got to do something to stop any bombing.
Or petting for that matter.

Couldn't stop having big lye-ins every morning since we have been here. Even when we got up early for breakfast we went straight back to bed. Hard life this travelling I tells you.
Seen as I will be picking and treading on the grapes with my massive feet for the next few weeks in Oz, we had to have a rest at some point.

Its been a bonus too meeting up with Lee and his new family, and Marc and his nice crew too. Its a small world. All had a lot of laughs, a lot of booze, and some good nosh too.
I know they have something to take away from meeting us too.
Mainly entertaining people with the story of how much us pair of muppets paid for a short ride in a tuk-tuk.
Those temples are nice though.

Colombo

Day 45

Tuckett tucked up in a tuk-tuk.

Didn't take long for us to get ripped off by the crazy drivers of these things.
Our first day.
I suppose being the only white people wandering about we were easy targets.
Apparently we paid our driver nearly enough to buy one of the bike/pram hybrids.
Oh well, what ya gonna do?

So, yesterday we decided to try and walk around the area instead. It seems no-one walks here. I'm surprised they still bother having legs. We caused a lot of curiosity by wandering the streets looking for another hotel. Took a wrong turn (as usual), and had to resort to a tuk-tuk. This time we knew the shit, and managed to pay just double the going rate. Getting better see.

We have therefore seen a bit of proper Colombo. Met Lee and his wife, Iranga for beers a couple of nights ago. Also joined by Marc and friends. All fellow ex-employees of HSBC.
Ironically all ex-employees as our jobs are now here.
Some poor Sri Lankan sod is locked away at a desk doing my money laundering investigating job. Hope he is having as much joy and fun as I did.
Happy days!

We drank in a club called R&B, which had a live band playing cheesy rock. Can't beat a Sri Lankan group blasting out The Final Countdown. I sang along anyway. May have been the umpteen Lion beers. The barman knew my drinks round, I went up so often. Though I might have stood out slightly with my pale face and hippy hair do.

Enjoying just chilling out on the hotel room of an evening. I think we need the rest after racing round Europe like headers . Did have a few beers again last night in the hotel nightclub, 'The Library.'
Some big cheese bloke found out we were something to do with HSBC and all these snacks and a bucket of lager appeared on our table.
I think only minutes, before he came over and explained 'we' gave his business a big loan when no others would, we were destroying our ex-employers, ripping the crap out of it, and saying how glad we all were to be out of the place.
Still they owed us something (apart from the redundancy money, which is helping me travel this wide world).

Sunday lunch today at Iranga's parents. Lee's new father and mother in law, joined by aunties, uncles, and cousins served up a splendid fare of traditional Sri Lankan nosh.
Bloody lovely too.
I naturally had seconds as would be tremendously bloody rude to refuse.
The family were all very nice too.
I think most of them only just found out Lee was Irangas husband. All seemed pleased, from what I could tell when I took my nose out of the lovely curry and spicy sundries.

Just been for a dip in the hotel pool. Did a bit of backstroke and butterfly, but the sun was on its way down. What I then thought were large birds swooping over my head, turned out to be absolutely massive bats. They were blimming humungous. Great they were. Must try and get a pic, especially when they are hanging upside down in the tree above the deep end.

Having another quiet one in tonight, scoffing on cakes nicked from the breakfast buffet, and watching Chelsea, Everton live on the box.
A perfect traditional Sri Lankan evening.

We were gonna go on a trip to feed 3 legged orphan elephants tomorrow, but it cost an arm and a leg, and a trunk. So more pool and supersize bats instead I reckons.

Colombo, Sri Lanka

Day 43

It aint alf ot mun.

This is all a bit different.

Another nice flight from Dubai, but bloody knackered and out of sync by the time we got here. Then serving us breakfast at half three in the morning on the plane didn't help. I went for the ommlette as I think I would have struggled with the fish curry at that time.

The airport is in a bit of a shanty town so quite a sight. Cows and dogs walking down the streets, cars and tuk-tuks flying everywhere and people just wandering about like zombies oblivious to our taxi speeding towards them. Goodness gracious me

Hotel is nice. Absolute luxury I suppose compared to half the hostels we have been in. Will try the swimming pool soon. Could do with a bit of sunburn.

Out for Lee's 'stag do' tonight, though he is already married! They must do things differently here. Didn't attend a wedding as it was just a registry thing. I was looking forward to dressing up too.

Aint done much else yet, but thought I would write something as I was passing. Had a curry for tea last night and no ill effects yet. Early days though.

Dubai

Day 41, possibly 42, possibly both (I am confused now)

Laying on a very comftable seat/bed in Dubai airport, waiting for our connecting flight to Sri Lanka.
Now I aint the best of aviators. Not the worst, but not the best.
So what should someone do who isn't keen on flying do?
I know I'll go travelling round the world!

Fair do's though the flight from Athens here, was without doubt the best flight I have ever had. Luxury Emirates plane with the TVs in the back of the seats, where you could choose from hundreds of films and stuff to watch.
I took full advantage and watched Mr.Beans Holiday.
Utter bollocks, but passed the time.
The flight was as smooth as a monks musical taste. I think I caused more rocking of the plane, when I found Metallica on the plane music choice.

We seem to be the only white people here, with lots of guys wearing what I used to, when I was a shepherd in them school nativity plays. There is also an airport mosque, which I might check out later, if I can't find a mcdonalds.
Laughing at a Chinese guy, sitting across from us who is 'singing' along with his ipod.
I thought he was in severe pain at first.
He's happy enough though.

Patras & Athens

Day 40

Trying to write this flying around like a chimp in a washing machine.
Nope, not on the boat anymore, but a Greek train. Not really sure where it's going, but hopefully will get us to Athens if it stays on the track.
Its the most rickety piece of shit I have ever been in. The window next to us is smashed. Probably from someones skull hitting it when it went round a corner. The driver is constantly blasting the horn. Don't know if it is on purpose, or an involuntary action from being thrown against his controls.
Then again he could be an Italian moped rider.

The guard just checked our tickets, and I thought he was gonna kick us off as he wanted 'The supplement?'
'There's a good one with the Mail on Sunday,' I was about to explain, before he gave up and just charged us 3 euros each.

Had a very good nights sleep on the ferry. Got used to the huge rocking. Actually I smashed my barnet, so many times, it probably knocked me out.
Was a really smart clean modern boat. Like being in a floating travelodge!
Woke up and the sea was as calm as a sloth on prozac. Thought the boat had stopped, or we had sunk to the silence of the sea bed.
Lovely warm, clean shower, bacon and eggs for breakie, and an amazing view of the greek coastline and very blue sea.
Superfast ferries did us proud and I was happy that while many around us looked green around the gills last night, I felt like I'd been born to live on the ocean wave. Must be all them birdseye fish fingers I grew up on.
Kelly informed me the girls bogs stunk of puke, so some landlubbers stomachs were weak.

The boat docks right next to the town of Patras, and right next to the train station. Had a couple of hours to kill so strolled round the very nice town. Lots of shops and bars. You could see our ferry from just about every road we walked up. It looked like the Captain had parked it on the high street.

So, getting sideways whiplash on this crazy train, my head lolling back and forth like the churchill dogs. A greek Tommy Lee Jones lookalikey has just sat across from us. I dare not go for a wee, for fear of ending up upside down in the bog.
The scenery is bloody amazing though, as we follow the coastline to whevever we end up. Sea one side, small mountains the other. Bostin!

Got to Athens now.
Pretty tired after our trek here.
Had to change onto another train and then a couple of tubes, and then a wander through a market, then up another few streets, asked a couple of fruit sellers and then passed the Acropolis, passed a couple of sleeping dogs, and weyhey, we found our lodgings.

Really considering a kebab, as surely this is the home of the authentic doner.
'Chilli sauce with that my friend?'

Leave for Sri Lanka tomorrow then via Athens airport and Dubai. I am sure I can find some wi-fi internet access over there to keep updating but don't worry if there is a delay in any more crap written. Might be a distinct shortage of pics too unless I find an ingenious way of sticking them on without Dave's laptop.
Goodbye Europe. I am off to beware Greeks bearing gifts.

In the middle of the ocean on a boat

Day 39

November 5th

This is a bloody strange feeling. Been on the boat some four hours.
It is rockin somewhat but I seem to have developed sea legs and feeling fine.
In my bunk now which would be a sea fearing claustrophobics nightmare. Its like ones you see on submarine films. Surprised it aint a hammock. Got my little curtains closed, but I think there is only one other person in the whole dorm. Picturing him as having a massive beard, wooden leg and a patch. He'll probably be going 'arrrrrr' all night, which will be a change from the usual snoring.
Doors are crashing back and fore with the rock of the boat. There is even authentic creaking.
Me timbers aint shivering yet though.
Trying to prop my pillow against the wall to jam me in as sliding up and down the bed with the massive sway of the boat. Wouldn't mind, but I keep crashing my bonce. Bed should have come with straps and a crash helmet.
Good night me heartys.

Rome to Bari

Day 38

Up early after a poor nights sleep back in the Yellow hostel. We were all in separate rooms cause of a lack of space and I think I had the best of it. Dave had dope smoking Spaniards stinking of egg, Kelly had inconsiderate loud Aussie gits, while I was in with three Chinese who couldn't have been quieter if they were dead.
The only reason I couldn't sleep too well was cause the room was hotter than a sauna at the centre of the earth.
Maybe the Chinese had expired in the night!
Boiled in there own duvets.
I'm sure I at least lost a few pounds in the night. Or is it euros?

So, we have left Dave in Rome. Said our goodbyes last night as he couldn't be arsed to get up this morning. A hug from Kelly, and the usual verbal abuse exchanged between us as only British males can do in these situations.
He is off back home for a month while we begin our expedition to Sri Lanka, via Bari, via Patras, via Athens, via Dubai. Palin eat your lumberjacking heart out my son.
The train left at ten to nine for Bari this morning and is nearly six hours. Got plenty of supplies in from Spar so won't starve. Scenery is very nice, weather is fantastic, and I'm sitting opposite a transvestite. Not an overly convincing job. Les Dawson used to do better!

Jump forward in time and we are settled in our Bari hotel.
Not the sodding hotel we are supposed to be in though.
Before I go into that, I have to go back to the man/woman sitting opposite me on the train. I nearly spat my teeth out when he/she/it got off at their stop. You will probably think I am making this up, but I cross my heart, scouts honour, and all that guff. The stop 'he' got off at was called Trani. Kelly and I exchanged smirking glances. You couldn't make it up.
I wanted to get a picture as he walked under the station sign, but he was suprisingly swift in his high heels, and I missed (or mistered) the opportunity.

So we got to Bari, found our B&B straight away and pressed the buzzer, ready for a nice hard earned rest.
No answer.
Got in the building by pressing another buzzer and knocked the door inside.
No answer.
'Just popped out,' we thought.
So went for a coffee.
Managed to get some decent coffee too on streets that were deserted. The whole town seemed to be closed and devoid of human life at half three in the afternoon. The girl serving though just seemed to be laughing at me. Makes a change to the usual grumpy Italian miserable serving shits that have become the norm.
So, back to the B&B and still no answer. Phoned their number.
No sodding answer.
With the light fadeing we didn't want to be wandering round an unfamiliar deserted town in the dark, so we booked into a nice hotel.
It's called the Hotel Victor. Aptly named, as wouldn't you know it, there was the female version of Victor Meldrew working on reception. A complete stern faced misery guts, who couldn't crack a smile in a billion years. Mama cowing mia!

Popped out for some food then and darkness had descended.
And so it would seem had the whole town.
From being completely deserted in the light, the streets were thronged with crowds. Shops seemed to have appeared from nowhere as soon as the sun had gone down. People milling about everywhere enjoying the moonlight.
Not one for taking chances, I have hung garlic all around the room, fashioned a wooden stake, and bought a couple of bottles of natural holy water.

If my neck makes it through the night, we have all day (to ourselves no doubt) tomorrow to explore Bari before our ferry leaves for Patras at eight in the evening.

Lying in bed, thinking if the Italians smiled half as much as the blew the horns on their cars and mopeds, this country would be a much happier place.

Rome & Naples

Day 37

Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Naples?
Don't know yet as just on the way there for a day trip on the train.
As we have based ourselves in Rome for five days, we planned at least one day trip somewhere. Pisa was on the cards, but when speaking to fellow travellers for advice, they have said all there is to see is that wonky tower, and bugger all else.
So I chose Napoli as our destination. As usual I know very little about it. I don't do much in the way of research me. What I do know is they compare Swansea Bay with the bay of Naples!
So I am expecting a view of Port Talbot, the tide three miles out, and a pier with an ape wearing a bikini.

Before we get there then, I shall let you know what we have been upto since I last wrote a load of twaddle.
Yesterday was spent going to see the Popes gaffe at the Vatican. As you might be aware, I don't have a religious bone in my body. I have played a shepherd several times in nativity plays though, so I am not completely ignorant of the goings on. And I was one of the blokes crucified next to Jesus in another school play. My acting ability wasn't overly stretched, but my arms bloody were after pretending to be nailed to a cardboard cross for three quarters of an hour.
Also seen the odd Highway, with Harry Secombe back in the day so they had to let me in.
Anyway I digress.
We wandered into the big bit where the crowds hang out when the Pope is doing one of his gigs, but the queue to actually get inside and see the nicely painted ceiling and, whatever else is in there was longer than Peter Crouch.
So we gave that a miss. Even the nuns were queuing. I thought they would have a fast track line for them like at Alton towers!

After getting over the huge dissapointment of not seeing the Pope or even his Popemobile, we went on one of our famous aimless wanders. Rome is nice. Seems safe and friendly, and there are even more old buildings than everywhere else.
Had a tip from a Finnish guy at our hostel to go the catacombs.
He came up to speak to me cause I was wearing a welsh bandana, and somehow he thought this made me a drug dealer. He pointed at my headwear and asked if I could supply him with some dope to smoke. I told him I was all out of that so then he wanted some valium. Again I had to let him down.
The only drugs I could supply him with were paracetemol, immodium plus and gaviscon.
Anwway he did advise us to go and see these catacombs as they were full of skeletons.
So we did.
Pretty minging really. Basicallly some sicko has used bits of monks and maybe the odd nun's femur to decorate his rooms next to a church. There were just skulls piled up, and leg bones to make chandeliers. He probably walked round with hats made out of feet.
I just shook my head at the lady on the way out, making money out of bits of people indeed.
No idea if there was some greater significance to it all. Will have to bone up on that.

Have seen all the other 'sights' too, like the Trevi fountain and the Pantheon. All surrounded by tat selling Africans and Indians.
Not ashamed to say we have begun hunting out mcdonalds now and again too. Not for the food though, before you shout at me. You see, you are always guaranteed a decent cup of coffee. A good size, milk and, well just a normal bloody cup of coffee. We have given up going into cafes, paying megabucks, confusing the misery guts behind the counter, and ending up with a miniscule shot of black sludge.
I'm lovin it.

It is several Italian hours later and we are on the train back to Rome.
The perfect opportunity to describe our Naples experience.
First impressions- Not good. As usual the train station is plonked in the middle of absolute scum or attracts it. When people say high street station does not give a good initial impression of Swansea they aint wrong. But then they also think it is unique, and why in Swansea do we have to have a hive of shite and tramps. Well let me tell you my blog reading amigos, high street looks like mayfair compared with most of the train station areas we have seen. I will let Berlin off as an exception.
Second impressions- Worse. We walked through what could only be described as an utter slum. Safe enough as no-one about. They had probably all died of scurvy.
Third impressions- Oh dear. As far as impressions were going, Les Dennis attempting Mavis from Coranation Street was better than these so far. We were heading for the sea front but the docks area had to be passed first. We had to walk up a never ending 'drag' that makes fabian way look like The Mall. I think Dave spotting a rat the size of a fiat punto was the final straw.
Fourth impressions- At last we had a good impression. We got through the utter filth and the highly impressive bay came into view. Really rather nice. Blue sky, blue sea, warm sun, and civilization again.
Had a nice stroll along the sea front and then headed inland as I needed a wee. Lots of shops and absolute nutters on mopeds. Had a fine pasta with salmon meal and a large ice cream. Bellisimo.

Naples is after all quite nice if you approach it from the right direction, and not through its Beirut district. Need more time to explore it properly and we spent too much time finding the nice bit as you have probably gathered.
But you need to see the shitty side of these places to appreciate the good bits in it.

Rome

Day 35

When in Rome, buy an Umbrella.
Massive thunderstorm the first evening, with rain drops the size of penne pasta. Looked great though.

Didn't hinder us really as we were not gonna go far. Mainly cause we got here 7 in the morning after our night train from Venice. Slept ok even though we didn't have beds. Would have slept better if three different ticket people hadn't asked for our tickets three times throughout the night. I vividly remember being awoken from one of the strangest dreams I have had in awhile. I was a blacmange called Mr. Blacmange married to a Mrs.Jelly. She was a jelly. We lived quite happily and warm in the dessert.
It sounds stupid, and it felt even weirder. Got to expect these things I suppose.

Anyhoo, we have had a small wander around Rome and saw the colliseum and other really really old things. They didn't let us down on the scaffolding front either. That looked nice!
That's just about all we did on the first day here as needed our rest. The hostel is cool. Its called Yellow but it isn't yellow. Got an Irish bloke in our room (think his name is Brio) from Waterford. Apart from the cliches of the crystal he says they invented the cream cracker!
He is a tidy bloke and knows Swansea well, especially the kingsway which somehow he likes.

Spent halloween looking for somewhere else to stay as we could only get 2 nights in the yellow. Wandered round the area with no luck, but in the same building there is a hotel. So booked in here for 2 nights now, so aint moved far. Back in the yellow for our final Roman night on saturday!

Slight headache this morning after attending the hostel halloween do last night. Didn't dress up but would have if I could have found a blacmange costume. Me and Dave shared 5 pitchers of lager so the pain in the bonce should be expected.
Memories of the night include having our picture taken with a bearded bispectacled nun and Dave and I singing Y bo byn si fyddlwyn (apologies for the spelling, my Welsh is worse than my German) at the top of our voices in full baritone style. Dan yr ogof caves was sung several times with much passion and gusto.
We were told to stop as we might disturb the neighbours. Don't think its cause they didn't appreciate the singing.

A fine night then. Did speak with fellow travellers but all a bit hazy to be perfectly honest. I do remember some foreigner shouting Catherine Zeta Jones at me. I assume its cause of my accent, and not my gorgeous looks.
Also found someones email address written on a serviette in my wallet.
I have no idea who's.

Tried to have a wander and see a proper bit of Rome today but hangovers and rain rendered that a useless pursuit.
For some reason though we have been to the central train station about 14 times in 3 days. It is near the hostel, has lots of shops and eating places, and good for sheltering from thunderstorms, but I am sick of the sight of it. Bums hang out there less than us.
No doubt we will find ourselves back there again, before our stay here ends.

Planning to see the popes gaff at some point. Apparently Cardiff City went to see him once and he told them to f off.
So the northbank song goes anyway.
I will ask him if this is entirely true if he is in.

Now we are just semi-concious in our room trying to regain some energy to actually do a bit of sight seeing.
I hear the train station is lovely this time of year.