Addlestone, England

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Five months, 19 countries, 247 beds (probably), 46 Farmers Union (reduced fat) Iced Coffees, 2 haircuts, 76 trains (maybe), 8 planes, 7 tuk-tuks and 1 brie, grape and cranberry sandwich later and I end up in Surrey.

Cold here like.

Always nice to return to a familiar country. Didn't take long to see some complete nutters. The first guy was dancing to his ipod on Virginia Water train station platform. He must have been in his sixties and looked like he was being given an electric shock.

The second crazy was best.

I thought a kid was singing a nice little song, until chicken noises and train impressions were added, and a bearded old bloke came in to view. I can't begin to describe how mental this bloke was. Only in Britain do you get such quality of madness. His song about being a green bicycle while jumping up and down slapping his cheeks was the highlight. I was gutted when he got off at the next station, skipping up the platform. I love the way everyone ignored him in such a British way as if he didn't exist. I didn't. I sat upright, staring, laughing and enjoying the show.

You miss these things and have to make the most of them.

Canada next me thinks, but I suppose I better pop back to Wales, if only to have a proper cup of tea.

So, you could call this 'End of Part 1.'

You must have been getting bored of the blog by now. Dragging on, storylines getting deperate. So a nice fresh new series will be coming soon, starring Gary Wilmot as The Tuck.

Stay tuned if you can be bastard bothered.

I can guarantee the Swans will go on a losing streak, now that I am on the same island as them. Right, where they playing next? Maybe I'll head there.

Birthday On The River Kwai

Kanchanaburi next then.

Easy for you to say.

Headed back on the train south from Chiang Mai. Left just before 3 in the afternoon. Wasn't getting to Bangkok till half 5 in the morning so still had a bed.
Met Clare from Milton Keynes, who had the seat opposite me and her two friends were in the seats behind. Bon was a Thai guy and I never did get the other girls name.
Wayne?

I seem to meet people in Thailand when I am on the trains or walking about. Not so much in the guest houses, as they ain't like the hostels in other countries, where people mix more.
Clare had been living in Bangkok for three years so she knew the place pretty well, and she did attempt to teach me some basic Thai, which I have completely forgotten now.

Didn't take long for the beer bucket man to come round and for us to get involved. Should have got more money out as mine was gone after three rounds. Not to worry, Clare kept buying the booze.

Joined by a couple of monks opposite then. One spoke perfect English so he didn't stop chatting to me, telling me what each town we were passing was called, and how long he'd been a monk. He said we would be going in a big cave soon and it would be amazing.
Well it was just a long tunnel, but I humoured him, and used my amazed face.
Monks don't get out much.

Health and safety doesn't seem to be overly popular in Thailand. When anyone wanted to smoke, they just opened one of the outside doors and sat with their feet dangling as we flew along at top speed.

The monk started telling me how is father was blown up in the shower in Vietnam. It must be British sick humour but I nearly burst out laughing in his face, and I could sense a smirk from Clare.
He started reconstructing the scene. Pretending to wash his hair in a shower, and then going 'boom.' Head and shoulders were probably in different rooms after that.
Shouldn't laugh.
He has invited us to meditate with him for 10 days. Apparently there is no talking, very little food, and not much of anything else.
Sod that.

Did try some crisps that Clare had, that either turn your tongue green or blue. Mine seem to go blue. Those crisps have got to be really good for you!

When everyone started retiring to their beds, we found the restaurant car and carried on our booze fest there till last orders at 11.
Did manage to get some sleep then until we were woken up at 5 as we approached Bangkok.
Said my goodbyes to yet more people met on the road, and grabbed a tuk-tuk.

Had to get to another train station in Bangkok to get to Kanchanaburi. This city was just as hectic at half 5 in the morning as rush hour. Once again laughing my bonce off as we tore through the streets, bouncing around in the back.
That woke me up.

My train left for Kanchanaburi at quarter to 8 and it was another couple of hours there. Kept dropping off and dribbling on myself.
Was heading for the Death Railway.
Built by the thousands of POWs during the war for the Japanese, and made very famous by the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Was picked up from the station by yet another form of transport. A bloke on a bicycle.
Poor sod. He was only a small bloke, as they are in these parts. By the time my massive backpack and me were sat in the back he was struggling big style. Lucky there weren't any hills as he would have had no chance. I could have got out and walked faster.

So we crawled up to some lodgings. He'd got quite a sweat on by then. Fair do's he waited for me while I checked for vacancies. The first one was full, so the poor git took me to another. A very nice looking place right on the River Kwai.
And that's where I ended up, right on the River Kwai. The only room he had was floating at the back of the hotel. A house boat sort of thing. Nice though. Might even have a change of scenery when I wake up, if someone unties the rope.

So after seeing all the horrible things the Germans did in the war, when we were in Berlin, it was time to see how nasty the Japanese were over here.
As expected they were cruel little bastards.
Visited the massive war cemetery for all the allied soldiers who died constructing the railway. Most were younger than me.
Row after row of headstones.
They look after it perfectly though.
And would you believe it, up turned a massive tour bus, and spilled a load of Japanese camera wielding gaupers out.
Cheeky.

Big museum nearby too, telling the story of the horrific goings on. Cheers you up no end.
Wasn't so nice to be British in these parts then. Wasn't that long ago really.

Dined later at the Jolly Frog. Asked the waiter to recommend something spicy.
Wow he didn't disappoint. Nearly blew my head off. Lovely though. I managed to eat it all. Had to guess where my plate was, cause my eyes were streaming after a few mouthfuls.
Did feel like someone had tried to remove the inside of my mouth with a flame thrower, and I ordered an ice cream for afters to quell the inferno.
Try that again though.

An interesting but good nights kip. The floating room didn't rock, as not exactly the high seas.
Paul McCartney would have been proud of the frog chorus that piped up though.
Bloody racket.
All sorts of funny noises. I suppose I am on the edge of a jungle.
Woke up about seven then to the strains of a Thai popstar crooning across the water. Massive songs blasting out. Not really sure the purpose of that but that went off in time for the bombs about eight.
Well. They sounded like bombs. Massive explosions in the distant.
I thought Rambo must be in town.
Thought I could hear machine gun fire too, but that might have been tuk-tuks.
Who knows what all that noise was about either. Could ask someone, but it took me half hour to order a strawberry milkshake earlier, so can't be arsed.
The town hasn't been evacuated, so can't be too serious.

So for a birthday treat it was off to the Bridge on the River Kwai. About a fifteen minute walk from my floating abode.
Surrounded by tacky markets they were obviously making the most of all the tourists. As per usual with these landmarks, when the bridge came into sight, I thought, that's a bit small.
Looked like the right one though. Most of the original built by the poor wretches, tortured by the Japs, was blown up near the end of the war. I think most of those wretches were made to stand on it when the planes bombed it. Stinkin Japs.
However they re-built it and I had a ride over on the train. Also walked over it later. No safety rails, and massive gaps down to the Kwai, but that just added to the fun.
And yes, the train was full of camera wielding, laughing Japs. Cheeky shameless sods ain't they. I'm sure if it was the Welsh who had treated the POWs like absolute scum, and starved and tortured most of them to death, I wouldn't go near the place, let alone take pictures, and giggle like a bastard.
I gave the bird in the background of a few of their pics so I hope they got the message the little yellow nutters.

Don't really remember the film so will have to watch it again. I do know it had Obi Wan Kanobi in it, they whistled that song about Hitler having a mono testicular situation, and they actually filmed it in Sri Lanka, not at the real place here. Maybe I won't bother.

Timed by birthday just right in Thailand. There is an alcohol ban all weekend cause of some elections. Bastard face!
Got a curry in anyway. Felt like burning my head off some more so tried Ali Bongos. Ordered his fiery vindaloo, but it was no match for last nights gob burner.
Showing premier league footy live all evening then so what more could I want.
Well, a large bottle of Chang would have been nice, but I made do with coffee.

Taste of Thailand

Day 147

'In a traditional wedding ceremony, seven-year old tribal girl Pushpa married a stray dog yesterday. Village elders said the girl had to be married because she had a tooth rooted to her upper gum which is considered a bad omen by the tribal community. By marrying a stray dog, the tribals believe it would rid her of any evil spell.'
Has to be my favourite story from today's Bangkok Post as I take a rest from my Chiang Mai exploring.
Wish I could show you the picture as the hound was quite a looker.

No surprise here but they ain't half a lot of single western middle aged men wandering the streets. Can't see me strolling around in 20 years looking for Ting Tong but you never know ay. Sad bastards.

Got my bartering skills sorted and managed to get a tuk-tuk ride for next to nothing. Can't help laughing my head off when I'm in the back of one of those things. Flying round the streets, giving way to no-one. Better than any rollercoaster ride. Glad I don't wear a wig or it would have been in the gutter.

Staying at the Whitehouse guesthouse now in the centre of Chiang Mai. My posh hotel was good, but it was on the outskirts and full of old farts, so I decided to downgrade my accommodation and upgrade my location and house mates.
Jimmy who runs the place can't do enough for me, and I even have skysports in the room so just saw highlights of the Swans losing to the MK Dons. Always thought Willy was amazing. They obviously only lost cause I was watching, the swines.

Investigated the Night Bazaar here, which is basically a big market, but in the dark.
Didn't take me long to get annoyed by another yank. He was bellowing at his mate to get him a raspberry frappucino, sunny side up, on the rocks or some cheesy American shite.
His mate was less than a metre from him, but he could have heard him if he was in Vietnam.
I actually stared at him, with a look of severe loathing, hoping he would turn my way, but he failed to glance in my direction, and therefore missed my stare of doom.
In case you hadn't realised of all the species I have encountered on the road its the bloody yanks who have caused by far the most irritation. Not only are they louder than a motorhead concert, they talk such utter cheese and shit, I would gladly melt their faces with a paint stripper.
Good, got that off my chest.

The Whitehouse is a very friendly place. The owners are nice and even their little puppy has taken to me. She keeps curling up on my lap whenever I sit down for a beer or a coffee. I'm one for attracting the mutts.
Don't have a dodgy tooth though so I won't propose just yet.
The peppermint café just up the road is also cool. One of the waitresses is insane and for some reason we keep talking about chicken sandwiches. She is very nice though.
Popped in for breakfast this morning before my train ride back to Bangkok, and then towards the River Kwai and its well known bridge.
She shouted chicken sandwich at me as I walked past so I had to go in. Pancakes are nice too.

Chiang Mai

Day 145

Well, that's Bangkok for now anyway.
Uh, yeah.
Interesting place.
Head back there I reckon.

Caught the night train to Chiang Mai and cracked open a beer the size of a wine bottle, for the price of a wine gum.

More importantly I had just managed to watch the new Rambo film that isn't even out in the cinemas yet, in a dodgy Bangkok bar.
It is, as expected, pretty shit, but I laughed a lot so was entertained. Fair do's its well gory. Limbs and guts going everywhere. Left nothing to the imagination.

The train (or at least my carriage) was full of British and Australian backpackers so the beers are flowing as usual. It doesn't help that this geezer just keeps coming round with a bucket full of Chang beer.
Surrounded in my folded down bed by two southern English sorts.
They do have accents like the secretary from Steve Coogan's Saxondale(maybe Essex or Kent), so not all good.
Tidy Aussie guy too who now lives in London. He has been travelling 6 days and has already lost his wallet in Dubai, and his ipod in a taxi.

As for the bathroom facilities.
Oh shit.
Just a massive hole onto the track.
I can handle that.
But, I timed going for a wee pretty badly.
We pulled up to a station just as I was about to go, but they don't seem to go for the frosted window in these parts.
In fact they don't bother with the window in these parts.
So I was poised, just as we crept up to an audience of several dozen on the platform (mainly women).

Busting I was too, but all I could do was stand there, until the bloody train moved.
Come on!
I'm sure they were all waiting for me to go.
Maybe that's why they were there, cause they weren't getting on the train.
The relief when we chugged away and cleared the station, and I could clear my bladder, cannot be described in mere mortal words.

Then the second test. Trying to brush my teeth without lodging the brush in either nostril.
The train felt like it was derailing on a constant basis so this was quite some achievement.

Fair do's though, the bed was cosy as hell. I was on a lower bunk with a big curtain pulled across, a little light, and comfy mattress and pillow. A bit like being in a coffin, but a bloody top of the range one like.

Woke up several times during the ride. Which is a good thing, cause it shows I managed to get to sleep.

Eventually arrived in Chiang Mai. And for the first time in my life there was a guy standing at the station with my name on a big card.
Should have taken a photo.
Managed to keep a straight face as I walked up to meet him.
Turns out he was waiting for another Mr. Simon Tuckett.

Not really, he was my ride to the hotel I had booked.
The Chiang Mai Gate Hotel. Very posh too. Up another notch on my Bangkok room, and just as cheap.

Trekking time then.
Up bright and early ready to be picked up for my adventure.
Kiki eventually turned up for me, and was joined by six others; a mixture of Dutch and Canadian French.
Had about an hours drive then north of Chiang Mai, and by this time I was firmly known as Mr.Simon.

Elephants first. They came with like a park bench on their backs to ride, but these only held two people, and there were seven of us.
Therefore I volunteered to ride one of the beasts, shotgun.
This basically meant sitting on his head, with nothing to hold on to. So I tucked my legs behind his ears, and used my basic horseriding skills to grip onto his skull with my thighs.
No sooner had I got 'comfy' than his trunk was in my face after some goodies. I had to watch where his snout was heading, and was luckily armed with bananas to keep him happy.

We plodded on then through the undergrowth, the Canadians sitting behind me as I drove. It wouldn't last long till the nosy trunk returned. Like something out of War of the Worlds, it would curl up in front of me and 'watch' me with its two nostrils, demanding a nana or else. Well, I had a big bunch to go through, so he got more than his fill.
The jungle course went on and on, and I did have to hold on pretty tight on some steep up and down hill bits. He didn't help when he would decided to turn his head, so I would tap him on the nonce, informing him he should keeps eyes to the front, otherwise I was gonna go flying. He was a very good boy and a nana always helped.

Got round safe then and completely out of bananas. Was sad to leave him, but they wouldn't let me keep him. Could have used him to see the rest of Thailand.
But, we shook trunks and went our separate ways. He'll never forget me apparently.

Rafting next on some big bamboo's tied together. Not exactly white water but got a bit wet all the same.
Not as wet as our driver at the front though with the big pole. He tried to 'rock the boat' to make us fall in. He obviously hadn't seen my great surfing based balancing expertise.
He needs a few lessons though, as he went flying in himself, much to my amusement.
Loser.

So with only a couple of wet bits it was off for lunch. Served from a scummy shack, the nosh was amazing. Loads of it too.
A bit of trekking then. Saw some traditional tribes who tried to sell us some tat. Mainly scarves for some reason. Just what I needed in 32 degree heat.
Got to the waterfall then, where we could have had a swim, but the water was a bit nippy.

Through another traditional village on the way back. Lots of dogs about in this one, and all of a sudden I was surrounded by about 7 puppies.
They must have caught a whiff of my socks. They decided to follow me all the way back to our van, which was a good 20 minute walk. Their mum must need a bath if she niffs anything like my socks.

A good days outing then. Well worn out afterwards.
Marvellous.

The next day I decided to investigate Chiang Mai itself. An ancient walled city, surrounded by a road of constant insane traffic. I had my Sri Lankan road crossing skills to fall back on, which basically mean you just walk out in front of something and they stop.
Has worked fine so far.
So a good stoll around. Lots of temples, and cheap places to scoff and booze.
A lot quieter than Bangkok, as its a lot smaller, but in both cities I have had blokes walk past me in the street and say,
'You are lucky man.'
They don't stop or seem to want anything, and my flies weren't undone so very strange.
Nice though.
The first guy that said it was an Indian guy with a turban.
'You are lucky man'
'Thanks butt!'
As I was a few metres down the street, he then shouted after me in a very strong Indian accent,
'And so's your wife.'

Both amused and baffled me in equal amounts.
Better go and find a casino and put this luck to the test.
Might win myself an elephant.

Was approached by two young girls later on looking lost.
They asked me 'What was down there?' Meaning where I had just come from I hoped.
Not much I informed them, and then we got chatting. No sooner had I finished a couple of sentences they were asking me where I was from.
After informing them of my origin, they laughed with disbelief, as they were from Cardiff.
Well I never.

So we had a stroll and some drinks and they headed for the station where they were catching the next train to Bangkok.
They came on the bus to Chiang Mai and had money and stuff stolen, so I'll give that a miss.

Trying to watch some Thai Kick boxing, and there is some happening tomorrow evening, so will hang around and hopefully check that out.
Should be a laugh.

Bangkok

Day 139

It was goodbye to Australia after all this time.
I will miss it, but I have so much more of it to see. As Arnold said once.
Or was it 47 times?
'I'll be back.'

So it was off to the airport again. I've gone through more flights than Eric Bristow.
My amazing charm (or is it my new haircut) managed get me an upgrade to 1st class. Yes 1st class, me! They would never have let me in there, when my hair was down my back.
Tony obviously took a liking to me.
Oodles of leg room, comfy seat, and plenty of drinks.
Cool flight then of around 9 hours. Think I watched Alan Partridge for most of it.

In Bangkok about 11 at night, so my body clock was all a bit messed up, and I can never sleep on planes.
Met a couple of other backpackers waiting for a taxi, so shared one into town. It must have taken nearly an hour cause the traffic was mad, let alone the drivers.
Used to it from Sri Lanka though, so wasn't all new to me.

The driver was very nice, but didn't really know where he was going, so he just dropped us off where it was all happening.
The others found their hotels, so I just walked up the main drag, trying to spot mine.
Was busier than the middle of the day, and even though I expected to be hassled to death by street vendors and tuk tuk drivers, it wasn't happening.
I spotted a couple of young western looking girls so thought I would ask them directions.
They couldn't have been nicer (must be the hair). They were from Slovenia, so when I said I had been there, they were more than impressed.

They weren't overly sure where my lodgings were, but they said they would walk with me and try and find them. They said their 'motherly nature' was kicking in (Jeusus, my hair style must have taken years off me) and didn't want me wandering the streets of Bangkok all night.
How nice.
One of them went in a shop and got directions and they took me right up to the door.

I checked in and was taken to my room.
Luxury. Double bed, en-suite, air-con, tv, and a weighing scales.
Compared to all the hostels I had stayed in, this really was amazing, and cheaper. Reminded me of my Sri Lankan digs.

Didn't really have a good nights sleep the night before in Sydney, as there was a guy from Taiwan who thought he would try out for the national snoring competition. None of that here though.
Lovely stuff.

I did go for another wander round the streets before bed as is was so lively, I didn't want to miss out.
So with jet lag, and lack of kip, I must have passed out about 2ish, but it felt like 5ish.
No surprise I woke up at about 4 the next afternoon. Yes 4. I did try and get up before, but all my powers were drained.

Had some chicken and rice for breakfast/tea. Everything is so ridiculously cheap.
Went for another wander round the streets. Thronging like mad they were. Again no one hassled me. Bought some new sandals off a street market. Somehow I doubt they are real 'Diesel.'

I'm right where all the backpackers stay, so all happening. Especially with the price of the booze.
Managed to bump into my Slovenian friends again. They were off to Chang Mai, which is up north like.
Still totally knackered,(this travelling takes it out of you, I have realised) so will take it easy, until my body starts working again, and then I will sample more of the cheap beer, and see if I can tell which are the lady boys. Hope I bloody can.

Maiden Voyage

Day 137

Maiden clad hairy people everywhere.
Found a guy from Pembroke in the local boozer wearing the ubiquitous t-shirt. Its just a licence to chat and meet fellow mosh faces.
Joined him for a pint and then headed to the Olympic park.
Straight for the merchandise stand where my plan was to buy a t-shirt myself to commemorate this splendid occasion.
Got talking to more guys who all seem to have done the gig the night before too. Can't blame them as Maiden ain't been in Oz in 15 years.
One of the German guys was a member of the fan club. To be honest they were all very nerdy.
Geeks, but very nice.
He offered me a 'golden ticket' if he could get one, which was nice. Basically this was a first to the barrier ticket. Perfect for getting crushed and spat on by the singer. I accepted obviously, but he was foiled in his attempt to upgrade me, by the ticket vending bastards. Nice of him to try though seen as I'd only known him funf minuten.

Had the assembled metal heads in awe, when I told them I had seen the original Maiden singer, Paul Di'ano (now bald) live at the Patti Pavilion.
Had them in stitches, when I told them my good friend Mr. Thomas 'Cheesebox' Jackson, was ejected from said venue, for getting up on stage and shaking the afore-mentioned vocalists hand during a classic Maiden song.
He makes a habit of such behaviour after invading another hair free stage, and introducing himself to the members of Right Said Fred in Stoke.
He is banned for life from all Sinead O'Connor and Elton John concerts.

I failed to get a t-shirt anyway and ended up with two. They are half the price as back home, so I couldn't help it.
Another thing that has more than surprised me is a lot of these so called hard rocking amigos wear earplugs.
C'mon. How gay is that?
I have been next to a lot of blasting loud metal speakers in my time.
Deaf as a bloody bat now, but earplugs?
Give me strength you Aussie ponce squad.
Surprised they don't wear blindfolds incase the nasty flashy lights melt their peepers.

Got talking and drinking with a few member of the fan club, and they were all very nice. Think most of January's quota of booze was being consumed.
During one of Maiden's classic songs, 'Heaven Can Wait,' a lot of the crew run on stage and join in with a singalong bit. Well, two of the lads I was talking too, had won a draw to get up there also.
They wouldn't let me have their ticket, but it was worth asking. I would finally have been a rock star.

Anyway the gig was great. I had a brilliant seat and view, and they played all their old classics (I'm sure you all know them). Must admit the Aussie audience wasn't quite as loud and mental as a British one. I was standing, singing along, brandishing the devils horns (the beer helped), while most around me sat with their arms folded.
Laughed at the guys running on stage (I waved but don't think they saw me), and at other parts of the show where you ain't supposed too. At one point the singer (Bruce) donned a feathered mask during the song Powerslave.
I burst out laughing.
He looked like a sodding bearded lady.
Think he might have seen me in stitches, unless the mask was over his eyes.
Must get one.

All over too quick though. Didn't manage to catch up with the fan club dudes afterwards, though I think I remember signing up to join.
An army of Maiden t-shirt clad yetis headed back to central Sydney, rammed on the train.
I thought I'd treat myself to a kebab (funny how beer does that) and was all ready to call it a night about 12ish, when, would you Adam and Steve it, Jess who I met on the trip to the Blue Mountains came walking past with two mates.
They asked if 'I wanted to go down Scruffy Murphy's,' for a couple, so I finished the chicken kebab and did just that.

Several more beers later, dancing, and watching Man U lose to Man C, we finally called it a night just after 4 I think.
Well, it was my last weekend in Australia, so why not ay?
That's definitely January's and possibly February's alcohol quota gone.

Had a very good time of it, and had nice people in my room too, who had also gone down Scruffy Murphys.
Was woken up by a lass with a North eastern accent, saying its half bloody one. It was too, so I joined in,
'Half bloody one?
We all blamed the dark curtains in the dorm, for making us sleep in so long. Nothing to do with the late night and booze and partying, I can assure you.
I didn't feel so guilty, as I can afford to waste a few hours, as my days in Oz end. A couple of others in the room were job and flat hunting, and they had missed half the day.
Naughty curtains.

I don't have a hang over to speak of, but do look and feel like the undead.
Just doing some aimless wandering round the City, re-hydrating in coffee shops.
Might catch the ferry to Manly later if I feel like. If not, I won't.

Bondai With Your Boots On

Day 136

Decisions, decisions, decisions on Thursday.
Well I knew I had to get back to Sydney at some point. Maiden see and flight.
But that doesn't all start kicking off till Sunday and it was nice in Katoomba, which is where I was staying in the Blue Mountains.(Interesting fact of the day, by the way, is that the Blue Mountains were originally known as the Carmarthen Hills. A fondue of knowledge me!)

However, Nackers was picking me up at 5, so decisions, decisions, decisions.
Good at decisions me.
The girls I met had all headed off to their next locations.
Lindsey and Amanda offered me a ride in Hilda, in the morning to central Sydney, but I didn't want to put them out, and didn't want to spend too long in the City if I could help it.

So, after chatting with the receptionists at the hostel they convinced me to stay another night in this snore free tranquillity.

Nackers turned up and came looking for me. Tremendously nice guy. He was shaking my hand like a long lost brother, with a smile bigger than Robbie Coltrane, asking if I was getting excited about Maiden, inviting me on more trips.
He went back to Sydney without me then and I asked the receptionist (Jasindie) if there were any nice evening walks I could do.
'You can come with me,' she said
'Alright then,' I said

People here are unbelievable. She didn't know me from Adam, Steve, or Jesus H Jenkins, for that matter.
So she clocked off, and we jumped in her Corsa (Called a Holden something or other over here), and we headed for the middle of nowhere.
Chatting on the way, she said she had been to Swansea. She was staying in Caerphilly with a friend and decided to walk the whole of the South West Wales coast, on the actual coastline as best she could.
This included, in her words, 'walking through a massive works just before she got to Swansea.'
Yes she walked right through Port Talbot steel works, and only got stopped by security as she was leaving.
She liked it though!

She said she was a fast walker, and we'd have to up the pace before darkness fell.
Fast? Fast?
She went off like it was a school cross-country. Out of sight in seconds.
I had to run to keep up.
All down hill too.
I wasn't gonna let a young girl leave me behind. It was bloody dark to in the valley, so I didn't feel like spending the night there.

We bombed it down the path, into the canyon at a running pace. How I didn't slip is a sodding miracle. Then the rains came.
Chucked it down.
Was completely drenched but as its always quite warm here, it was quite nice.
We came across a pool, and Jasindie asked if I wanted to go for a swim.
It didn't look overly inviting and I left my bikini in the hostel, so I passed on that one.
Ran back up the canyon then, and it was fun I tell you.
Reminded me of being a kid again, running through muddy woods, getting soaked and not giving a shit. Wouldn't have my mum handy this time to clean all the crap off my clothes and shoes, or give me a bollocking for getting in such a state.

This travelling must have got me fit cause I wasn't even out of breath (well maybe a little) and I'd just ran up and down a steep canyon for over an hour.
Jasindie dropped me off back at the hostel, and I told her to come and visit next time she is in Wales. I can arrange a guided tour of Corus for her, and we can do the old cross country course through Olchfa woods when its pissing down.
If I'm not there Mam, she is very nice and she would definitely give Jazz a good work out.

Lovely hot shower, clothes and shoes on the radiator, as they were wetter than a trout, then fish and chips for tea, and a couple of beers well deserved for all my running.

As I seemed to be on a role with meeting very nice and friendly ladies in these Blue Mountains, I carried on the tradition.
Said hello to a couple of girls in the hostel lounge, who were from Wrexham and Nottingham, and we ended up playing board games all evening.
Kicked off with a game of 'Greed.' Pretty shit really. Just throw six dice and add up scores and stuff.
I won naturally.
Then a game of 'Career.'
This was a bit more in-depth, but probably just as shite.
I became a doctor, bought a car and moved to Hawaii, though I was also on the dole quite a lot.
Won that too.
Always been a boardgame legend.

Enjoyed my bonus last evening in the Blue Mountains. The girls were up for more board games the next day, but I'd better move on this time. I nearly changed my mind though, when they said they were gonna have a game of Twister!
Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Train to central Sydney next, where I wanted to change to head for Bondai beach. About 15 metalheads were strolling thought the station, all clad in Iron Maiden t-shirts. Shit, they are early I thought. Then I thought, shit, have I got the wrong day, and I will miss the greatest concert on earth. Hope not.

The weather is like an autumn day back home. Even slightly chilly and very grey.
Perfect for the beach.
Amanda and Lindsey were staying in the hostel there, so I was off to get involved and spend a couple of days by the seaside.

The sun actually came out when I got to Bondai. The beach is ok but nothing special. Give me Langland any day Bruce.
The surfers looked good though. That'll be me one day.
Checked in to yet another hostel. I must have stayed in about 3000 by now. More beds than Bensons.

Had a marathon game of table tennis with Amanda. Nearly had her eye out a couple of times, and some of her low shots could have been painful.
We had to stop for the hostel barbecue, as the ball was flying everywhere.
Stuffed my face, and that included trying kangaroo. When in Rome in it!
Tasted like steak, but a bit chewier (or bouncier) and a bit like lamb maybe. Nice stuff.

Got some more beers in and we spent the evening watching some amazing films in the 'movie room.' Tomb raider to start, but this was surpassed by the tremendous 'Meatballs 4.' starring Corey Feldman, looking rougher than a bird from Scunthorpe. Terrible yank 80s summer camp based 'comedy.' Kept us entertained till half one in the morning though. Can't believe there are another 3 'Meatballs!'

Absolutely horrendous weather Saturday. The rain is bouncing down. Couldn't even see the beach, let alone go near it. Really is like a wet weekend in Mumbles. Had a lie in for the first time in days as I didn't have to be up for a bus, or checking out by ten for once.
Had a coffee or two, waiting for a break in the deluge. Not really bothered about doing too much. Winding down now for my last days in Oz and did I mention I have Iron Maiden to see?
Gonna head for the Olympic park area, where they are playing, early and see the stadium and everything. Make a day of it like.
Already planned to wear a crappy t-shirt which will be discarded in the nearest bin, when it is replaced by an official tour shirt as a smashing souvenir. I am gonna look cooler than a penguins nostril.

Woke up this morning like it was Christmas Day. I know you would all get excited about a big Iron Maiden concert too.
Did I mention I was seeing them?

It's not as if I havn't seen them before several times, but this feels like a different world, being far from home, a stranger in a strange land, no deja vu for me.
Back in the village of Sydney I headed. Grabbed a coffee at Gloria Jeans and saw three Maiden clad hairy guys at one table. So sat by them and grilled them. They had been last night and said it was amazing. One guy was going to every date on the Australian tour. See I ain't quite the saddest bastard.

As I hummed 'Number of the Beast' through the streets you couldn't have made the next bit up.
There was a small church, jammed between the City's massive buildings and as I tried to walk past, about 20 'priests' or whatever the hell they are came streaming out, lining up in the street, and blocking my way. All clad in their white frocks, some swinging pots full of smoking shit, I was surrounded.
Then the head honchos came out. Bishops or popes or something I suppose. They all stood there, hands clasped in prayer, and one of the big hatted dudes, said some prayer, thanked them all, and they all Amened.
I could only stand there with a grin on my face. They didn't get an amen out of me.

Wonder if they will be moshing away at the gig tonight?

My Head in Australia in a cafe cause its pissing down

The video represents 'The Tuck' wondering where all his comments have gone. They still work. They just take a little longer to appear due to new blogger rules, so feel free to comment like a nutter and they will turn up like magic after a bit.
Then again if you can't be arsed anymore, I can more than appreciate that.
Cosmic.

Blue Mountains

Day 133

Sometimes you just can't beat the power of the nocturnal snore.
Without a doubt the scourge of the backpacking traveller is the snore.
I must have had only a couple of hours sleep Monday night due to the fat hairy drunken bastard in the bunk opposite, snoring like a monstrous beastman of doom.
Guttural, flemmy snorts all night.

Well, until he woke himself up and went out for a wee and made the mistake of not taking his key.
Everyone was awake and he was tapping on the door to come back in, but we all had the same evil thought and didn't move.
When I eventually got up (another welch had taken over the snoring in the room as if it was a tag team) and left the room, snoring shit number 1 was sleeping in the corridor in his kegs.
Still bloody snoring.

As I had to be up early to catch my tour bus to the Blue Mountains, I did feel like smashing their fat faces in with a crow bar to be honest.
But, a nice coffee and a bun at half six in the morning, and I was happy again.

Had booked myself on an 'Oz Experience' tour, which also involved a couple of nights stay.
The weather didn't look too clever, so we could have all been in for a soaking.
The tour guide/driver (Nackers) was a good laugh. He turned up with false goofy teeth in, but they were quite convincing, so no-one was really sure if they were his real pegs.
He filled us with useful facts about crocodiles eating Germans, on the drive up to the Blue Mountains.

Met Sam on the bus, who was English (near Bristol), so had instant company.
We were supposed to go see some kangaroos in the wild to start, but all the rain had flooded that area, so that was off.
I wasn't too bothered about seeing Roos doing the backstroke anyway.

The rain held off, and we headed out on our first walk after another coffee and a sausage roll.
Good group of us. Highly entertained by a Thai girl who laughed at everything, took photos of everything, and just generally said whatever was on her mind.
Completely insane.

The walk went down into their Grand Canyon. Waterfalls, streams, caves, splendid.
Saw Yabbys in their creek. They are like little fresh water lobsters.
Met Jess too, who is from Sheffield way, so had a laugh with her too, as we tried to avoid falling in rivers or over cliff edges, or being mauled by Yabbys.

Nice trek then. Even going back up the canyon was ok. I seemed to be fitter than people 10 years my junior.
Must be living well.
A perfect specimen.

Stopped for lunch, and then off for another walk, to see the Three Sisters.
These are three rocks, that aboriginal legend says were three young girls turned to stone by their old man, cause they upset a teen eating yeti.
I was convinced.
Rather nice scenery when the mist cleared.

Nackers found a funnel-web spider. It's one of the most dangerous in the world. I didn't stick my conk too close.
As this walk was all down hill there was a railway back up.
Officially the steepest in the world. It was more like a rollercoaster.
We went up the cliff almost vertically. There were lots of screams (not just me), and I did start wondering how fast we would head back down the cliff if the little plastic wire pulling us up snapped.

Made it to the top though, without plummeting to a horrific bloody death.
Dropped off at the hostel then by Nackers. Jess was staying too, but most of the gang on the tour headed back to Sydney and the rain.

Took it easy for the rest of the evening after walking further than Ian Botham.
Met Lindsey and Amanda at the hostel and along with Jess we all decided to go and visit some caves the next day.

A decent nights sleep, with no snoring creatures. The girls introduced me to Hilda in the morning. She is an old, seen better days, car.
Lindsey used her to get us to the Jenolan caves, which were about an hour away.
The sun was shining, so what better way to spend it than several metres underground.

Didn't go for a wee when we got there, as there was a sign outside the bogs, stating there was a 'snake in this area.'
Hmmm!

Had a tour then of the 'Lucas Cave.' The guide informed us before hand that a lot of what he would say, wouldn't be true.
We were confused.
Lots of stalactites, stalagmites, things that looked like jellyfish, strange rocks, and cave monsters.

Well, I was hoping for a cave monster.
Some of the formations looked like the statue of liberty, leaning tower of Pisa, bishops and curtains.
I saw one that looked like Ken Barlow in drag.

We were told not to touch anything in the cave, but I blatantly ignored these rules and made contact with the roof several times with my head.
We all enjoyed, and learnt everything you don't need to know about limestone caves.

Hilda got us back home safely and we got the pizzas in for tea.
I couldn't spend the evening with my new friends without a beer, so bought a six pack of Tooheys.
Just for the taste.
Warming up well for the Maiden gig, and the several beers I will have to taste at that.

Amanda and Lindsey are from Norwich, so when the Swans walk it in this league and are in the Championship, its off there for a Norfolk piss-up, some tractor driving, some Coleman's mustard, a Delia pie, and some footy at Carrow rd.
I'm sure the Swans won't let me down (this time).

Taking it easy now. Washing my pants and other ware, and then might go for another stroll before Nackers comes to pick me up and take us back to Sydney.
Amanda is addicted to a penguin based game on my laptop, so I might have to spend half the day beating her high score.
Can't have a girl at the top of the penguin chart.

Sydney

Day 130

A ghost was the reason for my first drink since New years eve.
His name was George.
He was one of the foremen involved in building the Sydney harbour bridge.

He used to drink in the Harbour view hotel, was Scottish, and apparently a thoroughly nice chap.
Then one dark and stormy night (probably) he bid his farewells to his many friends in the pub, and was never seen again.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

To this day, it is thought he is encased in one of the bridge supports, after accidentally falling into its foundations.
That's what 17 pints and overly concentrating on your kebab on the way home does for you.

So, many, many years later I was sitting in George's pub having a (free) beer.
What the holy sausage are you on about, I hear you ask!
Well, I spent Saturday evening on a Sydney ghost tour. In the Rocks area if anyone knows it.
I was one of the 'lucky' few to be given an acting role during the tour.
I was the reincarnation of the drinking Scottish ghoul, George.
Cool tour, and my moment of fame was under the harbour bridge, by the support George died horrifically in.
As he told the story I had to provide a silly laugh (as George was famous for it) and act drunk and Scottish. My laugh was like some mad scientist, and I said troosers and och aye a lot. Seemed to amuse the others.
So, as a reward I was given a beer token for a free beer. He actually gave me two for my tremendously convincing performance.
Only used the one for now though. I didn't want to end up like George.
So, officially, February 2nd was my first alcoholic drink in over a month.

Sydney is cool. My hostel is right in the centre, and the Irish lads in my dorm are grand as they would say.
Most of the people that inhabit the city seem to be Japanese, so there is no need to ever go to Tokyo.

Got here eventually on the train from Port Macquarie, after we we stuck behind a broken down freight train for an hour.
I had the pleasure of attracting another sub-human species. He had the seat next to me. Dressed like a cowboy from about 1972, he had staring eyes and a deep monotone voice, that chirped up about every half hour or so with unusual small talk.
'Train on the move,' was one of his favourites.
'Never cross a sausage roll' was another one, I'd look over and agree, using a slight nervous nod.
And he didn't stop scratching.
I thought, shit, Dennis Weaver here has got fleas or ticks, and I'm gonna be scratching too soon.
He'd also go walkabout up and down the train. Least that gave me a chance to breath, and dare to glance sideways.

Still, he was harmless enough, and wished me all the best, said his goodbyes and warned me to 'watch the cargo?'
Anyway, what would I write about if I didn't bump into these characters.

Went on a bit of a shopping spree Saturday then as still hadn't had the chance to spend my hard earned grape wonga.
Was in a massive department store, when I was confronted by a massive crowd of screaming teens.
They obviously heard I got to the Swansea Coach House battle of the bands semi-final in 1994.
It became sadly apparent however, they were not here to see me, so I asked a security guard and he said they were there to see Hilary Duff.
I have heard the name, but hadn't really a clue who she was, but I hung around anyway, cause she was bound to be a bit fit.
She was launching a new fragrance, which had attracted the crowds.
How come when I release a new smell, it has the opposite affect?

She eventually made her appearance. She was alright, but I've seen better looking birds in Barons. I made a sharp exit as everyone stood amazed at a person with too much money.
I don't get impressed easily by celebs. Seen too many in my time, including the Chuckle Brothers in Picton Arcade.
But, as I am name dropping, I did forget to mention Isla Fisher was in the airport at Brisbane, collecting her bag in front of me. I remember her from Home & Away, but she seems to be big in Hollywood now, and shacked up with Borat I think.
She looked a bit rough to be honest. Amazing what a bit of movie make up can do.

So after the Ghost Tour, I was too scared to sleep! Well, as I had purchased a new laptop on my shopping spree, I thought I would utilise it to listen to the Swans over the net.
All the Irish lads went out to watch the rugby anyway so I had the dorm to myself to enjoy the free flowing football.
Kicked off 1 in the morning Sydney time.
Surprised I didn't drop off after the dross first half, but of course they got better and won again.
Easy.

The Irish came in pretty pissed, but I must have adapted to these sleeping conditions, and I just fell right back asleep.

Walked around just about the whole of Sydney the next day, and booked my flight to my next country too.
Thailand it is.
Off to see Ting Tong.

I write this bit as I wait to see a doctor.
Back in a waiting room for the first time since the famous jabs back in Killay. If you missed the tale of the inoculations and you are bored, then check out the beginning of the blog. I had a great time, and hope for a repeat performance here.
Much the same really. Everyone sitting down, not wanting to be here, and trying to avoid eye contact. Some on crutches, some coughing like hell, but all seem to have two eyes. I'm always hoping there will be a kid with a pan stuck on his head, or finger stuck in a tap. It really happens like.
One day.

No bloody magazines, which is why I am writing this. I could be reading Golf monthly or Women's Own if they had any consideration.

One of the doctors just appeared. He looked fearsome. A cross between Yoda and Genghis Khan. Long hair at the back. Bald as a coot on top.
Oh, I should explain why I'm here.
My arm fell off last night! Just woke up and there it was at the side of me.
Nasty like.
Must have slept awkward.

No,no,no,no. I'm jesting again. I'm a cad.

I am actually getting some malaria tablets so I can go into the deepest Thai jungles and not be eaten to death my mossies.
Wasn't gonna bother, but Cath said her ex boyfriend got it there, and now has it for life, and one of the Irish guys mates got it, he was travelling with and has now gone home.
So better safe than sorry. Apparently there are side effects. Bring them on. If I grow another nose or start reciting poetry in Urdu, I can cope.
Hallucinations would be cool.

Free too. Just went and got my Aussie medicare card so I can have things done for nothing like.
And it is absolutely belting down outside, so what better thing to do to pass the time. It was either this or the museum, and I've had a titful of old shit.

Yep, this is the first proper rain I have seen in months. It is hammering down. Stair rods, cats and dogs, belting down. Again no-one wears coats. Just me with my jacket and hood up. You'd swear they were all still at school, where you get beaten up if you dare go near a rain proof garment.

Off to the Blue mountains tomorrow. Booked a tour this morning which involves a two night stay. Should be fun, and even more so if my tablets kick in.

Back to Sydney then for my Iron Maiden concert. I can't wait. Two guys on reception at the hostel said I could go with them, as they have tickets. Cool, I thought, until they said they were going to the Saturday gig, while I am on the Sunday.
But, saw a guy painting the stairs, in a Megadeth t-shirt. So I commended him on his ware. When I told him I was off to see Maiden, he said he will try and get a ticket for the Sunday too. So I will go with him if he finishes his painting and manages to get one.
He did scream 'metal,' as I walked off, getting white emulsion everywhere, so would be a grin.

Seen Doc now then.
She was very nice and gave me my drugs.
She wouldn't give me the ones the Yanks use that give you paranoid delusions.
Spoilsport.
Explains a lot though.

Port Macquarie

Day 127

It was film night, on my last night, at Lennox Head hostel, so I settled down with a slice of Graham's chocolate cake to watch Pan's Labyrinth with the rest of the gang.
The film was entirely in Spanish, but luckily subtitled. I was sitting at the back and my eyesight held up.
Enjoyable flick. Some very gruesome bits, like a bloke having his nose repeatedly smashed in and another had his leg sawn off.
Entertained by German girls turning away in
horror, as the blood and guts splattered everywhere.
Wasn't gonna put me off my cake.

Up early to move on again. Graham gave me a lift to the bus stop, the friendly bearded host.
Bus took me to Casino which proudly calls itself the 'Beef Capital.'
Train from there south then. Very nice train too. Over five hours to Wauchope (pronounced War-hope not Wowchopy as I said to one guy, who laughed at my attempt. Say what you see like).
As I was getting off the train, a chap turned round and said,
'You look like you surf a lot. I can just picture you surfing everyday.'
Funny he should say that. It seems to be taking over my very existence.
I must honk of surf.
I did explain that I was a pure amateur, but technically he was right, as at the moment I suppose I am surfing a lot, when compared with previous times of my lifes.

It probably didn't help that I hadn't touched my hair since the last attempt.
Bits of sand and kelp entwined in my increasingly curly locks.

It came to light then he only had one eye.
I always bloody meet them.
I am like a magnet to the different and unusual.
It is an improvement on a past acquaintance from previous travels, who had no eyes.
I asked if he'd ever surfed, but he said he couldn't due to his mono based sight.
All I could say was, 'Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.'
I might as well have added didums.
What else do you bloody say?

He went on about being dumped at sea, which might have caused him to lose his eye, I'm not really sure, as I didn't want to interrogate him on optical losage.
Dumped means just getting destroyed by a big wave, not literally being thrown in the middle of the ocean like.
I can see how he wouldn't be able to find his eye if he lost it there.
Nice chap, but he didn't half go on.
He could talk a glass ..... uh?
He could talk a glass to sleep.
Yes.

Buzz seems to be the buzz word in this part of the country.
'Alright Buzz' they say.
A bit like alright butt, I suppose.
There seem to be more aboriginal folk about this area, who swear a lot and say buzz just as much.

So caught the buzz, I mean bus to Port Macquarie, my destination of the day.
Found a leaflet with a hostel on it and asked directions off several people, who had no idea where it was. Ended up going in an opticians as I thought I'd continue the eye based theme. They phoned the hostel for me and got directions.
How nice.

Small, tidy place, with most importantly free tea and coffee and muesli for breakfast.
Spied a leaflet regarding the observatory in town, and the fact that it was public open night that very night.
Literally cosmic.

Can't help to be fascinated by all them stars in the skies, and I wanted to find out if they were upside down here.
The place was a bit of a shed but we were promised a look through the big telescope and a talk.
Hosted by Jim and Jim it got off to an interesting start, but then went a bit downhill in my opinion.
You could tell which one was Jim as he had a beard and knew what he was talking about.
Jim on the other hand was cleanly shaven, and didn't really seem to have a clue, but least he gave it a go.

I do know where a couple of stars are now and what they are called.
Jim wants to find a new one so he can name it after himself.
I hope he doesn't as we already had enough Jims.
Did peer through the telescope in-between the cloud breaks but not really that spectacular.
Just a couple of stars, a bit bigger.
I was hoping to see planets or Alf.

Jim complained that all the new hotels around the site had caused too much light pollution, ruining his fun.
I told him if he pointed his telescope a bit lower he could have a whole new type of fun, as long as he didn't get caught.
He didn't really see the funny side.
Jim laughed though.

Woke up the next day as bright as Sirius (also known as the dog star according to Jim), and tried the free muesli. It was ok but looked like the pellets they feed livestock with.
Exactly like the stuff you can get out of them machines as a kid, where you can feed goats or deer out of your hand.
Free though, so I had a second bowl.

Decided to hire a bike from the hostel. That was free too, but it was a bit of a shit heap. Had the old back pedal brake like Amsterdam. No gears though, so hills were not fun. Had to stand up when I came to a steep hill like a kids bike.
Rode right round Port Macquarie and was sweating like a hog in a fur coat.
And yes I had another helmet balanced on the top of my head, looking like some sort of spacky mushroom.

Spied a café and stopped for some cake and what is known in these parts as a flat white. This is a coffee with milk, but not sure how they get it flat.
Carried on cycling like a fool, and nearly ran over a big lizard thing in the middle of the road.
Got as far as a lighthouse. Smashing views. Maybe I will put all my pics on when I get home so you can read all this tripe again and enjoy pictures too.

Cycled back a different way, and spied the Koala Hospital. Thought they might take a look at my gammy arm.
Met some English girls staying at the hostel there. They had also been crazy enough to hire bikes.
Got a nice tour of the place, and watched them feed the unwell, flat faced bears. They are just like teddy bears, and I did want to abduct one of the baby ones.
Lots of heart warming stories of run over koalas, one eyed bears (common affliction in these parts) and others welded to trees in bush fires. Most survived though as they look after them well here.
If you find an injured one and bring it in they name it after the street where you find it, and your name too.
I went out afterwards shaking all the trees in Buck street, determined to find a Koala, just so they would have to call it Buck Tuckett.
What a cool name.
Look out any offspring of mine (accidents do happen). Buck and Flash Tuckett. They would be worshipped at school.

Anyway, I enjoyed the afflicted bears tour, and learnt lots of important facts, including them dispelling the myth that they are always stoned on eucalyptus. They ain't. Just lethargic, as they don't get any carbs in their diet.
Was going to adopt a koala, but the queue was too big, and I had to be somewhere. I can do it online though so hopefully it gives you the option to change their name. Maybe, little Bucky will be allowed to come and visit.

Mostly downhill back to the hostel. Not entirely a good thing, as the bike from hell felt like it was shaking itself apart as I reached high speeds. I held it together with mind power alone. Not to worry, I had my lovely helmet on.

Pizza night back at base, and everyone got involved. Only 6 dollars for a tidy sized one. That's less than 3 quid.
I ordered The Godfather, as it seemed to have just about every ingredient on it, including horses head.
We all munched in silence, and then undertook the usual travel comparing conversations. All English on my table (including the bike riding, koala visiting girls), so we had lots in common to jib about.
After a short walk and an ice cream, I got them all involved in a game of shithead.

Up early this morning to catch another bus and a train.
Another bowl of donkey feed for breakfast.
Heading to Sydney now, though want to get to the nearby Blue Mountains for a few days.

Somehow made it through the whole of January without touching a drop of booze. Not even a sniff of the barmaids apron, as Grandpa George would say.
Just bought a crate of 48 lagers for the train.

No, no, no, not really.
I can wait, and won't jump in the first Sydney bar, unless they are giving the stuff away.
Got an Iron Maiden gig soon so will have a few at that.

Always nice to hear from anyone back home, even if the recent correspondence involved a bombardment of texts and emails to inform me Jeremy Beadle had carked it.
I liked Beadle, and will fondly remember him in his policeman disguise with false beard and glasses. I am not getting involved in the sick jokes that have already emerged. Who comes up with these? There must be people just waiting with dead celebrity jokes, watching the news so they can make them public within seconds.
Well, I suppose Beadle did always like a joke.

Another superb train now. Its like the pigging Orient Express.
Back home, I would have cracked open the first of several cans of carling, as we passed over Morfa bridge, and been half pissed the time the train got to Bristol Parkway.
Here I have just been served scones with jam and cream, and a steaming cup of coffee (could have had tea).
I have matured into a sensible scone scoffing gentleman, more befitting of my age.
Either that or a boring old fart features, acting like a 70 year old granny.
Who cares; I'm happy. Time for an afternoon kip now and then I might knit a tea cosy.